HerneBayMatters.com

And that word is paraprosdokian. This unlikely and ugly-looking word means a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. A punchline with a twist. For example:

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay cheques.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says If an emergency, notify: I put DOCTOR.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with Guess on it... So I said Implants?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon...and a shot of tequila.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
He was at his best when the going was good. Alistair Cooke on the Duke of Windsor
There but for the grace of God — goes God. Winston Churchill
If I am reading this graph correctly — I'd be very surprised. Stephen Colbert
You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing — after they have tried everything else. Winston Churchill
If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. Dorothy Parker
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. Groucho Marx
A modest man, who has much to be modest about. Winston Churchill
She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say 'when'. P. G. Wodehouse
I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks. Emo Phillips
If I could say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker. Homer Simpson
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. Mitch Hedberg
I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night. Bill Hicks